Sunday, August 25, 2002 • By PEGGY O'CROWLEY • Star-Ledger Staff

As the horror unfolded on Sept. 11 last year, Donna Pecora drove to her children's school. The mother of five wasn't there to take them home like so many other parents, but to explain that, as a nurse and a member of the West Orange First Aid Squad, she had a duty to go into New York to help.

As she set up field hospitals at Ground Zero and Liberty State Park, her kids, aged 9 to 21, made an American flag on a king-sized sheet that is still draped on the front of her home.

This Sept. 11, she will have a brief ceremony for the toddlers and preschoolers who attend the family day care she runs in her home. The children will each light a small memorial candle outside the house in front of a flag Pecora's own children made while she was working at Ground Zero last year.

In the afternoon, she'll take her children, whom she'll keep out of school, to the Eagle Rock Reservation, site of a formal memorial and an informal shrine to the victims that stretches along the vista of the New York City skyline.

"I can't let a day go by without giving respect to the people who passed on. By acknowledging it and giving people the credit they deserve, we're honoring their deaths," she said. "I don't know if I'll do this next year."

Not every parent or teacher has such specific plans for how to mark Sept. 11. But along with the traditional rituals of buying new shoes and backpacks and getting kids on a school sleep schedule, adults are advised that now is the time to start thinking about how they are going to help children deal with the double whammy of a new school year and the observance of 9/11. That's especially true in New Jersey, where the tragedy took a devastating toll on life.

Even now, the disturbing video images from that day are being re-broadcast as 9/11 nears. And most mental health experts are advising parents to begin talking about the event and thinking about how the deal with it.

"Do any of us really know what to do in this situation? We're all grasping for our own way," said Rebecca Frezza, a children's singer-songwriter in Montclair. Frezza said she and her children, Matthew, 5, and Lucy, 7, will probably listen to a song she wrote shortly after Sept. 11. They'll reach out to two families they know who lost a father. Frezza said it's important to let her children know she's available to talk, she said.

How you plan for 9/11 will depend on many variables, including how involved you or your children were in the event. Were there personal losses? Was your community affected? Another critical factor is how old your children were at the time, and how much they've developed over the past year.

Whatever you do, experts caution, keep in mind the purpose of the day is to remember and honor, not to live through the experience all over again. Simply talking about the events and watching video clips can cause trauma.

"You don't want to bring out all this stuff if you can't help them move beyond that," said David Schonfeld, a developmental pediatrician at Yale University's National Center for Children Exposed to Violence. "Just telling the stories can be overwhelming."

For that reason, child mental health experts are unanimous in recommending parents vigilantly monitor what children are watching and reading in the media. Watching the tape of the planes crashing and the buildings topple can convince younger children it's happening all over again and cause older children to relive their fears.

Monitoring your own viewing is not a bad idea, either. At the one-year mark, the same feelings of fear and anxiety many people experienced may resurface. Known as the "anniversary effect," experts recommend exposing yourself in small doses to media reports. If you really want to see a program but feel overly immersed, tape it and watch it later, advised Donna Gaffney, the coordinator of the Essex County Trauma Coalition and a faculty member of the International Trauma Studies at New York University.

Before you talk to your children, think about your own reactions to the anniversary. While it's perfectly natural for your children to know that you are sad and upset, remember that parents are kids' primary source of safety and security. If you are feeling overwhelmed, frightened or unnerved, you need to examine your responses and seek help if you need it. Perhaps your spouse or another relative can talk to the children.

"It's okay to see that parents are genuinely sad. You should be open and honest and not sugar-coat it. But it's not good for children to see parents wallow in it," said Richard Bromfield, a Harvard Medical School psychologist and author of "Living With the Boogeman: Helping Your Child Cope with Fear, Terrorism, and Living in a World of Uncertainty," (Prima, $15.95.)

Just like adults, children may also experience the anniversary effect.

"Parents and teachers shouldn't be surprised if they see a transient increase in irritability, acting out, a little regressive behavior," said Bruce Perry, a senior fellow at the Child Trauma Academy in Houston.

"They're beginning the school year, which particularly for younger kids involves a tremendous amount of transition. That's converging with what is going to be a pretty significant anniversary reaction."

Parents can help by being aware of what's causing the behavior, and talking it over with the kids. If the symptoms of stress linger for more than a week, it might be time to talk to your child's teacher or seek outside help.

The best thing you as a parent can do, Bromfield said, is to make extra time to be around your children. Be aware of what they're seeing and hearing, and how they may be reacting.

You can simply raise the subject and ask them what they think about it. If they don't want to talk about it, tell them you're available if they have any questions. Listen to their discussions with friends to find out what the kids are talking about.

Don't assume that the children are concerned about the same things you are, experts advised.

It's likely, however, the anniversary will prompt renewed fears in children about their own safety and that of their families. Younger kids, especially, also are more apt to exaggerate or overestimate the likelihood of attack. So it's a good idea to first ask them what they know about what happened and correct any misconceptions, Perry advised.

While adults cannot tell children there is no threat of further violence, they can point out that all the attacks were aimed at buildings that are symbols of America, and that no homes or schools have been targeted. They can also stress that the government is trying to make the country safer.

Parents should not be upset or shocked if some children, particularly younger ones, don't express any interest in the anniversary and even get annoyed at the tremendous attention it receives.

"One child might not notice the whole thing, and another might put it away for good reason," Bromfield said. "Kids are going back to school and for some the worries will be, 'Will the kids like me?' 'Will I have friends in class?' and 'Can I do the work?'"

Parents should also start thinking about how to observe the actual anniversary with their children.

While some families may opt to keep their children out of school that day, most experts feel school is the best place for children to be because it will provide structure and routine.

Many schools will be planning memorial activities, and it's a good idea to find out in advance what will be happening. Let your child's teacher know if your family suffered a loss, had any kind of a personal connection to the event, (a parent who was near Ground Zero that day, for instance) or if your child is having a particularly tough time. Don't force children to partake in any ceremonies they really don't want to; schools are stressing that these observances are voluntary.

Many communities in New Jersey will be holding memorials, prayer services, park dedications, concerts and other ceremonies. Community events offer children a lot of positive ways to remember Sept. 11: expression of values like fellowship, spirituality, and patriotism, and a sense of continuity.

Some families might want to have their own private remembrance, Underwood suggested. It could be a moment of silence, some meaningful readings, prayers for peace, or having each family member name something for which he or she is thankful.

"There are a lot of lessons in this," said Ellen Galinsky, the president of the Families and Work Institute whose organization put together an extensive curriculum for parents and teachers. "These attacks challenged our values and what's really important is to think about what values mean to us."